Parents Evening

Tomorrow evening I partake of the usual parents evening. I have been doing this for the last 10 years or more and I think it is time to ditch the usual “How’s my child doing?” and unleash some truly random questions that will leave your child’s teachers speechless (and maybe slightly concerned about your sanity).

General

• “If my child were a fruit, what fruit would they be and why?” (Bonus points if the teacher can guess your child based on the fruit.)
• “On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely is my child to become a superhero? What superpowers might they develop?”
• “If the school were a spaceship, what would my child’s role be on the crew?”

Maths

• “If my child could invent a new mathematical theorem, what would it be and how would it change the world?”
• “Can you explain Pythagoras’s theorem using interpretive dance?” (Offer to demonstrate if the teacher is hesitant.)
• “If my child were a number, would they be rational or irrational? And why?”

English

• “If Shakespeare were alive today, would he be a successful YouTuber? What kind of content would he create?”
• “Can you analyse my child’s latest text message to their friend using literary criticism techniques?”
• “If my child were a punctuation mark, which one would they be and why?”

Biology

• “If my child could splice their DNA with any animal, what would it be and what amazing hybrid creature would they become?”
• “Can you explain the process of photosynthesis using only emojis?”
• “If my child were a cell, what kind of cell would they be and what would their role be in the body?”

Physics

• “If my child could travel at the speed of light, where would they go and what would they see?”
• “Can you explain quantum physics using a rubber duck and a toaster?”
• “If my child were a force of nature, would they be gravity, electromagnetism, or something entirely new?”

Chemistry

• “If my child could create a new element, what would they call it and what amazing properties would it have?”
• “Can you explain the periodic table using a rap song?” (Bonus points if you offer to beatbox.)
• “If my child were a chemical reaction, would they be exothermic or endothermic? And why?”

History

• “If my child could travel back in time, which historical event would they try to change and why?” (Be prepared for a debate on the butterfly effect.)
• “Can you compare my child’s behaviour to that of a famous historical figure? Any similarities?”
• “If my child were a historical artefact, what would they be and what story would they tell?”

Spanish

• “Can you teach me how to say ‘My child is a genius’ in Spanish? (But, like, in a way that doesn’t sound arrogant.)”
• “If my child grew up to be a famous Spanish-speaking novelist, what would their masterpiece be about?”
• “Can you describe my child’s personality using only Spanish adjectives?”

Disclaimer: Use these questions with caution and a good dose of humour. Your child’s teachers might appreciate the laugh, but they might also suggest you schedule a meeting with your doctor. 😉